Thoughts Are Weighed Down By Mince Pies

Time to gather my thoughts from the amorphous pile at the bottom of my spine, possibly using some super-futuristic space brain-net. I've lived through another Christmas, I've got a new shiny white noise-giver that will once again inexplicably break exactly two-fifths of the way through the most boring journey of my life, and I've just figured out how to adjust my chair which means I can recycle the typing stick currently strapped to my chin. All in all, reasons to celebrate, which I shall do by writing some words.

I watched a great deal of bullpie television over my limited Christmas break, none of which I can remember, apart from the hugely disappointing demise of Pauline Fowler. As a, and believe me I choke upon the word, fan of EastEnders, I'm used to the sudden abrupt personality changes needed to shoehorn whatever idea the writers fish out of their implausibility cauldron into the genearl running of the show. But come on, now. Nasty, nastier, nastiest, nice, dead for no reason? We all knew Pauline was going to die, so wasn't this a golden opportunity to kill her slightly more imaginatively? She could have been gored by that stupid dog, or frozen to death by the random 2-hour cold snap that descended on Walford just in time for her to have a nice snowy exit.

Oh, and now, now we have to go through the tedium of Sonia and Martin being psychotic at each other, presumably so we can endure another one of their favoured mucus-all-over-one-another's-face scream/tonguing-a-thon. And God bless the casting people for plucking two extras from grumpytvcops_r_us.com to thunder round the square on the say-so of a 86-year-old extremist Christian half-crazed with grief, who in turn is relying on the obviously 100% accurate witness statement of a small child so terrifying in her robotic line delivery and searing glares that she should probably be given her own pan-format spin-off where she is sealed in a plastic cage and continously sworn at by Captain Jack.

In conclusion, I'd like to apologise for the overuse of hyphens in the previous paragraph. Advocaat rules!