Wednesday, July 12, 2006

It Got Quite Hot In Here

But thankfully, I have not taken off any clothes.

Service has resumed after the heatwave, another example of the crushing mediocrity of Britain. I agree it was so hot that I wanted to crawl out of my skin and rub orange calippos directly onto my internal organs, but come on. I'm sure quite a large percentage of the known world gets quite a lot hotter than this, and their roads don't bloody MELT. And I'm sure someone was on the radio the other day saying that it was so hot that they had "run out" of electricity in Soho. Travesty. How will people know to buy TDK and Sanyo products now??

Anyway, the whole heatwave was in fact engineered by a secret cadre of tabloid newspaper owners, who for the past 30 years have been pumping CFCs into the ozone layer at the North Pole using huge polar bear-shaped cans of deodorant, thus creating hot weather that enables them to publish with impunity 26 pages every day dedicated to pictures of secretaries sunbathing in bikinis in Hyde Park and lions eating ice lollies made of blood.

Justrestingmyeyes here, giving you fresh, up-to-the-minute insight on the fact it was hot two weeks ago. Breaking! There may be some kind of trouble somewhere in the Middle East...? I'll get my people on it.

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