Bonus extra hidden track, that's not hidden, that isn't a bonus, stop, doctor, there's nothing more we can do, this metaphor was DOA!
So basically, before Christmas, I was asked to write a list of 2010's best 10 albums and best 10 films. Hark at me! As if Alan Rusbridger himself descended upon a silver-tinged cloud to grovel at my be-slippersocked feet and beseech that I could put together a few hundred words that he wouldn't even publish for the normals, but instead save for a secret best-ever edition of the Guardian that would only be read by the most important people in the country; leaders, A-listers, and Nando's gold card holders!
No. In fact, one of the beautiful deviants from hecklerspray idly wondered if some kind of end-of-year summing-uppery would be in order. It never came to pass, as he informed me the other day, reminding me of the spiel I'd written about my top 5 films of the year then utterly forgotten about. (Only a top 5? And no albums? Well, as I said to him I said, due to being a nerdish hermit, I could only scrape together five films and when faced with music made after 2002 my head pops into my body like a tortoise, so I had no opinion on the year's albums, apart from that they were all confusing noise, obviously.)
So here, taking irrepressible Essex darbouka-botherer Damon Albarn's advice from the top there, is what I wrote. Dated-tastic!
1. Four Lions
The film that means every protest for the next thirty years will contain one clever dick waving a placard reading "Fuck mini Babybels." If you only see one sympathetic black comedy about British suicide bombers - and let's face it, there will only ever be one sympathetic black comedy about British suicide bombers made - you'd better bloody make it Chris Morris's feature-length debut. You'll laugh, then laugh more, then feel sad and guilty and confused and cross, but it's worth it.
2. Scott Pilgrim vs The World
So he looks like Mr Burns and his face is frozen into that pathetic man-child simper 100% of the time. But hey, Michael Cera still manages to charm up a storm in this fun and faithful comic book adaptation. Gaming nerds will chuff their nuts off at the many thousands of Nintendo references, and everyone else gets a good laugh when Superman turns up from Vegan school and hits a girl. Somehow it's OK when he does it.
3. Green Zone
Jason Bourne, Jason Bourne, running round Iraq! Jason Bourne, Jason Bourne, with his merry...ark...? OK, so it's not Jason Bourne but it might as well be, as Matt Damon sniffs out a great big conspiracy and is chased by a great big moustache with "hello to" Jason Isaacs hanging off of it. Grumpy Matt Damon is the best Matt Damon in this fast-moving actioner that'll make you think (if only about grumpy Matt Damon).
4. The Social Network
Because, of course, who hasn't had a massive depressive self-destructive phase at university that directly resulted in a multi-billion dollar fortune? Everyone does that. It's a rite of passage. Wake up with a traffic cone, start thinking wearing a kaffiyeh is a good idea, and set up epoch-making social networking trends. Oh no, wait. Only really, terminally awful bastards in Harvard get to do that. And they get to meet Justin Timberlake too! This film is a tightly-scripted, visually interesting two-hour explanation that there's no justice in the world.
5. NOT INCEPTION. NEVER INCEPTION.
OK, so you know at the beginning they explain it's all about the subtle difference between dreams and reality and bang on about some little spinning thing, and then there's a bit in Africa so hackneyed and moronic that you think "Oh, so this is all a dream then," and stop caring, then it's like watching someone playing Call of Duty with tedious efficiency for two hours, then the thing keeps spinning and it ends and you were right and the whole thing's stupid and no-one ever dreams like that because at no point did Leonardo Di Caprio's mum turn up as a zombie and try to eat him, and anyway the best bit where the road folds over on itself is in the trailer? No? Then you're an idiot.