Tuesday, April 06, 2010

When I Go Forwards, You Go Backwards

Hello, yes, here I am, to hastily apply the blog-a-day sticking plaster that will temporarily prevent the collapse of my relationship with...well, myself. Hey, I really shouldn't feel too bad about it, though. I could have gone down the dangerous path of having a baby with myself. Man alive, can you imagine the issues that homunculus would have?

So it was very nice of our dear Leader Mr Brown to call an election and give me something to write about, because let's face it, there wasn't quite enough coverage today. The BBC News channel had the large, blaring BREAKING NEWS! banner on their screen all morning. The fact that the election is on May 6th is not breaking news. In fact, it is the only news story in history that we have all definitely known about for weeks and weeks. It's the very opposite of breaking news. It's self-healing news! It's news risen from its news grave! It's zombie news! This would have been a great day to do something really catastrophic or amazingly newsworthy, like announcing you'd invented time travel by stacking up a wall of gasping coelacanths across the M25. The news channels would have nowhere to escalate to, and would probably either spontaneously launch into orbit through sheer panic or just wipe out their own brains. "And of course, there's further coverage of this story on the News Channel, where Carrie Grace and Jon Sopel are staring slack-jawed into middle distance."

Exciting times, though, upon us. The first election for years that's pretty wide open, the first with all-new Prime Ministerial candidates, the first where I live somewhere where I can see my local polling station from my bedroom window; I will be creating history by enacting the first Rear Window/West Wing mash-up, doing live voyeuristic straw polls on the local electorate complete with Sorkin-esque quipping, before clubbing someone to death and burying them in my back garden. But before that, we've got a whole month of campaigning to sit through. Gordon Brown started with his whole cabinet behind him, looking like he was taking the lead vocal in a spirited but deeply disturbing choral rendition of Let's Get It On. David Cameron made a biblical dash across the river and stood piously among his disciples in lieu of any coherent policies. And Nick Clegg loves everyone. Won't you love him back?

I dunno. If Cameron wins, I'm not sure the country's smug reserves will last us more than a week. If Brown wins, the word "tired" will have to be completely redefined. If Clegg wins, Jeremy Vine will have an swingometer embolism. It's too difficult to think about, innit.

More insight tomorrow!


Ishouldbeworking said...

I've already had to shout at the radio three times. The first was at about 8am yesterday morning when John Humphries, bursting with messianic fervour, announced that he would spend the next four weeks 'coming amongst the people'. I will therefore now spend the next four weeks with a custard pie to hand at all times, just in case John Humphries tries to come amongst me.

It's going to be a bloody long month. You picked a good one.

John Medd said...

Rory Bremner was on Today this morning - he took a lovely swipe at Clegg, calling him Vince Cable's nephew.

justrestingmyeyes said...

ISBW: that made me honestly bark with laughter. Priceless. I very much hope you get to use your pie on someone who deserves it.

John: Nice! I was desperately trying to work out what Cable and Clegg reminded me of yesterday. That's a very good shout.

Cable and Clegg, incidentally, also sound like a natural successor to Hinge and Bracket.